Switching Schools

This is me, age five, right before I left for my first day at The British School of Bahrain. For the previous two years I had been at Nadeen International School and this would mark the only time I would change schools until I graduated high school. My mom was clearly struck with "Proud Parent Syndrome" and wanted to capture me with my new uniform and 'Little Mermaid' lunch-box (which happened to be as big as my entire torso); the awkward angle of my arm holding the lunch-box is testament to the hurried nature of this photo – it was probably taken just thirty seconds before we rushed out of the door and into the car.

Looking at this photo, I can tell with absolute certainty that my smile is forced. It may not suggest more of grimace than a smile, and it may not look over-the-top and fake, but when compared with the other pictures with which it shares a page in my photo album, there is a definite lack of “squintiness” in my eyes that all of my genuine smiles contain. My inability to produce a real smile most likely stems from the fact that I am very scared of what the day holds for me; I have no idea about who my classmates or teacher will be, if they will be kind or mean or even if I will make any friends. Despite this memory of my worry on that day, this picture produces a certain sense of nostalgia and longing for the mindset I had at that age; I may have been scared, but my fear was purely external. I was not insecure about my image or personality, I did not possess the notion that I might not be ‘good enough’, and ‘success’ was a concept that did not trouble me yet. Over the years, as I have experienced, dwelt on, and tried to quell thoughts such as these, I have often found myself wishing to be able to recapture some of that innocence and selfless security that I once possessed.